Tuesday, October 23, 2012

kind of loving it

So basically I am sick as a dog today. 

Maybe not that dramatic. Because let's face it-- usually when dogs are sick it means they need to be put down. If a dog is just casually sick, they just eat some grass to make them throw up, and then run around like nothing happened. And then when they're truly sick-- like doggy cancer or doggy liver failure, it usually means it's time to show them the doggy door. 

I'm not that sick.

I feel just okay. My head hurts, I have a self-diagnosed fever, and I'm weak and queasy. Weasy. 

It could be because I made myself go to the gym this morning at an ungodly hour. It could be because I have been on a strict LA diet of lean proteins and green things. Or it could be because I am slightly uneasy about what my purpose is on this little planet.

I'm at a loss, folks. I'm here, making it-- rubbing elbows with important people and making a comfy paycheck. The world is my oyster. I'm all on track to make things happen in this industry. But I feel underwhelmed. I don't like sitting at a desk all day long. I'm too antsy. I need to be out and creating and doing something important.

Before you have a heart attack like my mother, I'm not quitting anything. I'm just expressing that I might not be fulfilled in this line of work. I'm not helping anyone-- not making things better-- not making anyone laugh or feel inspired. I'm just sitting, making calls, planning events, doing things for people who are seemingly 'above' me in most ways. It's not how I want to live my life.

I love Los Angeles. I'm going to be sticking around here for a while. My friends and family and all of the opportunities I have leave me feeling incredibly appreciative and peaceful and at home. I'm perfect distance from the ocean, the mountains, my lovely San Francisco, and home visits to Arizona. I may not want to be here forever but for the time-being-- no other city could better cater to my dreams and lifestyle.

So if I am in the right place-- I'm not sure what the answer is to all of this longing. Over the last month or so I've been experiencing pangs of desire for several things.

  • I want to act.

I am endlessly envious of my roommate's day-to-day schedule. Auditions, commercials, screenings and tapings of shows. I wish I could just drop everything and do this. My financial conscience tells me otherwise. After my all-female sketch group, The Femmetastiks disbanded in February, there has been a massive hole where my performing heart lives. Now I don't have time to commit to late night classes, workshops at 12pm, or anything at any time. I'm too swamped with work things, too exhausted to get myself to that five-hour intensive. I don't like this.

If I could have things my way-- I'd be in an improv class twice a week, standup workshop once a week, and auditioning every other day. I'd be performing late at night, nervously standing up in front of a crowd with others or by myself. Of course, to live this lifestyle I would be booking projects left and right. I could be making viral internet videos in my spare time with friends, going to Pilates classes that are only held when the working masses are hard at the grind, and sipping cappuccino at home while Kelly & Michael are on. I wouldn't need to sit at a desk, unless I was writing my blog or watching the latest PBS documentary on Netflix. I'd be doing things for myself. Making my own way.

  • I want to go back to school.
There's too much I don't know. So much to read and learn! I'm so eager to absorb information and my mind is too restless to not be challenged by something new and challenging and fresh. I try to find such stimulation on my own-- whether it's through reading memoirs or articles about what's going on in the world. But I still want more. I want another degree of higher education. I want my masters and I want it now. Or soon. Soon can work, too.

  • I want to travel.

I am far too young and far too easy to entertain to not be all over this world right now. What am I even doing? Sitting in this little room in front of a laptop when the whole world is out there and just begging to be explored? I need a lifestyle that allows me to start crossing off some locales on my list. I need to go meet new people and cry about being alone there and not understanding. I want to listen to music and eat questionable foods, somewhere where I'm kind of lost and kind of loving it.

So. These are the things I am putting into the Universe. I'm going to continue mulling them over for the time being. Right now I am so fickle with life-things that it's hard for me to simply jump off the deep end and know it's the best thing for me. I wish I did know. I would feel much cooler.

For now-- I'm going to enjoy that feeling though-- being kind of lost but kind of loving it.


On a more personal note (...wasn't this all personal? This post really couldn't get more personal), I would like to encourage you to subscribe to my blog! I'm not really into self-promotion via social media-- I would prefer to not spam my Facebook and Twitter with advertising my posts. That being said, this is the last week I will be doing as such.

That gives you two options: 

1) Check peasnqueues.blogspot.com, Tuesday-Fridays for Jenny posts. You can (almost) count on it.

2) Subscribe to Peas & Queues by filling your email address on the side of this blog to the right, where is says FOLLOW BY EMAIL (right below the Blog Archive timeline). It's a simple type in your address, and follow-up confirmation email situation. I believe this will also make it easier to comment on my blog-- something I know several of you have voiced difficulties about. Whenever I write a post you will receive an email with a link-- simple as that.

I also don't even have to know you're subscribing. It's all secret so you can read and enjoy in privacy.


Now that I've got some of that frustration out, green tea in hand and salad and serious protein in my belly-- I am feeling a little better. Thanks everyone for reading!



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